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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Always

She dropped the paper and the tears fell. With her head in her hands she just cried and shook her head. She couldn't talk. Couldn't breathe.
********

I picked up the yellow paper from the floor. Even though her reaction told me everything I didn't want to know, I had to see this paper for myself. This piece of paper we had put our lives on hold for. This piece of paper that would tell me who I was.

Alleged Father. That's me.

All I saw were a bunch of numbers. $600 for this?!

What I did see were a few words that told me what I already knew.

Excluded.

% of paternity: 0.0%

Screw this test! I took one look at her, and saw how devastated and scared she was. Then I looked over at the car seat. We hadn't even taken the baby out yet. We'd rushed in to read this freakin' thing, and he was just sitting there. Patiently wondering what we were waiting on.

He's so beautiful. Such a good baby.

I dropped the paper on the floor, and reached down to unbuckle him. I could her sobs stop in the background and she began to breathe. I picked him up and went over to her.

I didn't know what to say. I've never been good with words. But, I kissed her on the forehead and smiled at her. I lifted her chin with my finger and kissed her again. She reached out and grabbed his little hands and we just sat there for a minute in silence. She reached for the baby and pulled him to her lap, as if she was releasing me.

I just sat there. Unable to speak. Unable to say what I felt.

Fuck! Why did I suck so bad at this. I hated to see her hurting. I wanted to fix it, but I just didn't know how.

I knew what I wanted. I just didn't how to tell her.
********

Time passed. She didn't know how long, but it felt like forever. It was as if she was frozen. numb. She didn't know what to do next. She didn't know what to say. What to think. Her mind was spinning. She couldn't believe she had put so much faith in a stupid piece of paper. The past year flooded through her mind like a freight train. She was tired. Everything had been so hard. so confusing. So complicated. Yet, this paper was cut and dry. Simple. Now what?

He wasn't the father.

As she began to feel her hear beat faster, she put her head down to try to compose herself. Get it together. Then she felt his touch. His touch could warm her from the inside out. It made her scared to look at him. She had never been more afraid. Afraid of the future. Afraid of what he would say. Afraid she would loose him.

He lifted her chin and kissed her. He forced her to look at him in the eyes. He took one look at her and then reached over for the baby.

He grabbed her son's hand, and said, "I don't care what this piece of paper says! This is my son. Nothing is ever going to change that. I will be here. Always."
********


You can read this series in order below.
#1 Exhale
#2 Rehab
#3 Lost
#4 Afraid
#5 Breathe
#6 Alone
#7 Held
#8 Sealed

Monday, March 26, 2012

What are you afraid of?

What does fear keep you from accomplishing?

When we’re afraid of rejection, failure, or embarrassment we tend to stay away from whatever might cause that. Right? I mean, it makes sense. Who wants to be rejected, totally suck at something, or be a laughing stock? Um, not me. 

 But, how can we accomplish our dreams and goals if we’re not willing to screw up sometimes?

Sure! There are probably many things we suck at doing that we think we do well. We might have a few wake up calls along the way, but how will we know if we don’t try?

Many doors will have to be closed before God opens the one that leads us to that accomplishment, but if we don’t face our fear, He’ll never even have the chance to direct us.

I’ve been doing some thinking and I realized fear keeps me from a lot!

If I was to write about all of things I’m afraid of you might just fall asleep or click away. So, we’ll keep this blog related. Because, to be honest with you? This blog scares the bejesus out of me sometimes. How do you spell bejesus, anyway?

Fear keeps me from pursuing goals related to blogging and writing.

I’m afraid to go to a blog conference.
I will be away from the kids to long. 

I’m afraid to pursue a sponsorship for said conference.
They will hate my blog and say no.

I’m afraid to make a media kit, and send it out.
My blog isn’t worthy of a media kit. That’s for pros.

I’m afraid to admit I want to be a writer when I grow up.
If I tell people that, then they might criticize my writing. 

I’m afraid to make changes.

But? I’m taking baby steps, and facing some fears.

I’m working on a move to Wordpress and? A Name change! I’m ready to face my bloggy fears!

I hope you’ll come by as soon as I can reveal more!

Thanks to Ashley at My Front Porch Swing, all I have to do is wait. I'm super excited about the move and can't wait to tell you more!

What are you afraid of?


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Planting Seeds of Faith

Yesterday I wrote about recognizing our strengths as mothers. Too often we focus on the negative and don't give ourselves the credit we deserve for a job well done. I asked you to leave a comment and share something you like about your mommy self. Many of you responded with wonderful ways you share your heart with your children everyday. I'm so glad that you shared! If you missed it, please take a minute to tell us about your mommy positives HERE!

Today I wanted to share a mommy positive about myself. Because, well...it feels good to recognize something I'm doing well! I just don't do it enough. My perfectionism is a way I believe Satan gets me down, and he stinks, so I'm telling him to get lost!

I was having some Bible time with my son this morning, and he was reciting the verse he's been memorizing with pride. Then, we proceeded to look it up in the Bible together. I haven't really spent much time teaching him how to find verses on his own, but lately I've been trying. Up until now he has had his own young readers Bible. But, he's beginning to memorize the books in order and so forth, and today he found his own Bible verse. Which by the way is fantastic math practice, too! All that backwards and forwards requires some mega greater than less than knowledge. 

But, I realized at that moment that this was one of my mommy positives. I may not be the perfect *christian* mother and wife, but I try to put God at the center of our home, and plant those seeds of faith. I don't know why I am always so hard on myself in this area? I find myself feeling unworthy and ill-equipped to teach my boys God's word. How silly!

Sure, many days I forget to do our Bible time, or I put it at the bottom of the list. Then that defeat I talked about yesterday sets in, and I forget to turn it around. I realized today that Satan wants nothing more than to prevent me from sharing God's word with my boys, and he gets me where he knows I'm weak. Self-doubt and perfectionism, and I'm tired of it!

So today, I'm celebrating my mommy positive of planting seeds of faith. Because it's those seeds, no matter how small, that will grow in the hearts of my boys. Watered by God's wisdom and love. I plant the seeds, but he's the gardener!

No longer will allow myself to doubt my ability to teach my boys God's Word. No longer will I allow that defeat to take over my day. No longer will I allow myself to listen to the lie that I cannot raise up an army for the Lord!

Because? I can! and I will!

This post is linked up with Shell at Pour Your Heart Out and Courtney at Women Living Well!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Sometimes we get it right.

We're so hard on ourselves as parents. 

We all have laundry lists of every mistake we've ever made and wish lists of the things we wish we could change. 

What about the times we get it right?

Because the truth is, we do get it right-a lot! We just don't give ourselves the credit. 

Yesterday, I had a momzilla moment. We had finished our schoolwork, and all I wanted to do was go for a run. I have been feeling pretty crappy and my exercise routine has been less than. That tends to get me down mentally and physically. I got my running clothes on, but one thing lead to another in the mom department, and my workout window passed me by. ARGH!

I ended up acting like a brat, taking my frustrations out on the boys, and ruining a perfectly good day with a bad attitude. Sigh...

What usually happens?

I sink into a mode of defeat in my post momzilla state and think about how I'm a terrible mother, my kids will grow up to be serial killers, and hate me forever. 

But, I choose to snap out of it and make a better evening than I had afternoon. I cooked a nice dinner with the help of my little chef, and we all sat down together as family. We laughed, joked, and had a wonderful meal followed by a family show. We love to watch Once Upon a Time together!

My husband and my children were blessed by my efforts. Instead of letting a bad moment set the tone for the whole evening? I got it right!

After I read my little guy a story and he was sleeping sound next me, I realized my momzilla moment was only a fraction of the day. 20 minutes. Tops! What about the rest of the day when I got it right? 

When we focus on our negative qualities more than our positive, we're teaching out kids to do the same thing. I hope and pray they don't focus on my momzilla moments like I do! 

Ladies, sometimes we get it right!! Give yourself some credit today. Celebrate your strengths as mothers!

When's the last time you got it right? 

Leave a comment and tell us something you like about yourself as a mommy! Go ahead do it! 

I do not look with disdain upon my weaknesses. 
I see them as opportunities for God to display His powerful strength and grace through me. (Corinthians 2 12:10)