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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Almost 12 Years Later


If you're not familiar with Pour Your Heart Out go HERE.
It's my free weekly therapy!
I was thinking about the past yesterday. Almost 12 years ago I brought my oldest son home from the hospital. He was precious, tiny, and real. I was young, naïve, and clueless. For the first few days of being home I felt like I was babysitting. I was in my apartment with this new baby, and I was alone.


It’s such a hard time to think about because it seems like it wasn’t even my life. For some time I was a single mom. I made the mistake of wasting my time with the world’s biggest loser right out of high school and a couple years later I got pregnant. Although finding out I was pregnant was shocking, having my baby was the only thing I had been certain of up to that point in my life. There was no way I was going to listen to the loser and do the thing I cannot even bring myself to type. I wasn’t sure of much, but I was sure I was going to be a mom, and I wasn’t going to raise my son with him. I got away, slowly, and with some back and forth, but I got away from the loser. Sometimes I think having my son was the only thing (at that time in my life) that would have gotten me away from him. I didn’t care enough about myself to do it, but I cared enough about my baby. Becoming a mom gave me direction and purpose before he was even born. All of sudden it wasn’t about me anymore. No more wasting time.

When I brought my son home from the hospital we were alone. All alone. Just the two of us. Honestly, I wish I could remember this time more. I wish I could place some of the feelings I had, and deal with them. I’m so detached from this period of my life it’s hard to remember everything I was going through. I had friends and family, of course. So we weren’t alone like some people are. I had emotional support, and good friends. One of my best friends, who is now my husband, and the only man that has ever been a father to my children, was there every step of them way. He was (and is) my best friend, and has never missed a day of my son's life. But, for some time, I was single and it was scary.

In the first months I did everything you were supposed to do with a baby. Fed him, bathed him, changed him, took care of him, got up in the niddle of the night with him, everything. But looking back now almost 12 years later, I wish I could go back for just a few days, and hold him. Did I miss out on some bonding time? Did I watch him when he slept long enough? Did he feel safe? Did I come fast enough when he cried? I would breastfeed. I wouldn’t go out with my friends for a girl’s night. I would hold him, and hold him for a long time, without thinking about anythng else. Just him and me, and I would cherish it. I would be the mom I grew up to be, but I would have been her then.

It’s hard to admit that some of these memories are in clips, and the first year of my oldest son’s life is a little blurry. I can remember everything about my youngest son’s first year. But it’s a struggle to remember this part of my life. Really remember it, and it kills me.

By the grace of God this life is like one I don’t recognize, and I guess you could say we all lived happily ever after. My husband is an amazing father, partner, friend, and man! A good man! The girl in my story seems like someone I barely know. She was so young, fragile, and clueless. God is so good, and even when I had nothing to with him, he had everything to do with me. My family is evidence of his grace and power, and I'm so thankful.

I know my children are happy, and most people that know me might be shocked that I feel like this, but I do. I missed that first year with my son, and I wish I had it back for just one day.

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16 Comments:

At June 23, 2010 at 6:08 AM , Blogger Jessica said...

My son is almost 8 and I have a daughter now that is 1. I feel the exact same way, wondering what I missed out on and wishing I could go back and be more mature for my newborn son.

My memory is very lacking. I know I loved him but I also didn't breastfeed, and I am breastfeeding baby #2 and I THINK I'm almost over the guilt that I feel about the bonding I probably missed out on with him.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you're not alone. With God's grace we can move forward doing the best we know how each day.

 
At June 23, 2010 at 7:56 AM , Blogger Shell said...

So touching. It had to have been so hard to be young and alone with a newborn. I feel like my oldest's first year was a blur and I wasn't alone or that young.

It's so scary and life-changing when you have that first little baby.

Thanks for linking up!

 
At June 23, 2010 at 8:21 AM , Blogger Jenny said...

I totally feel for you only because my oldest sister went through the same thing. I know for a fact she wishes she had been able to just hold my nephew longer and was not worrying about how to take care of him.
Kudos to you though...it takes a very strong woman to do what you did by getting away from the loser and making it on your own.

 
At June 23, 2010 at 8:28 AM , Blogger Brittney said...

i think we all wish we could go back and do things differently, hold em a little longer, kiss them a little sweeter, ya know but being a young 1st time mom is scary and you just do what you think is best. You sound like a great mom and im sure ur son thinks the same

 
At June 23, 2010 at 11:26 AM , Anonymous R.M.Gilbert said...

Adrieene,
Another wonderful post. It's bittersweet to watch our children grow up, isn't it. We long for those tiny moments in time. Locked away, some forgotten. Hold tight that there will be new memories to make.

And your husband, your friend, it's touching to know hoe he was there in the beginning.

Many blessings to you and your family.

 
At June 23, 2010 at 11:46 AM , Blogger Karen Mortensen said...

Thanks for this story. It shows what an amazing woman you are.

 
At June 23, 2010 at 11:49 AM , Blogger Mama Hen said...

Oh Adrienne, thank you so much for sharing this part of your life. You are a beautiful person and very strong to take on so much on your own. And as you can see, it was the best thing you did in your life! I am so glad you were able to move on with a wonderful husband. What a blessing! Let me know if you would like to join me again for Thanksgivibg Thursday and I will add your link! :)

Mama Hen

 
At June 23, 2010 at 12:57 PM , Blogger Casey said...

This was very touching, thank you for sharing

 
At June 23, 2010 at 1:04 PM , Anonymous Jenny said...

hey just stopping by from sits. love your blog :D

and i was looking at your photo in your about thinger and OMG you look like a girl i went to school with. i was like IS THAT HER!? wait no. BUT OMG!! lol

 
At June 23, 2010 at 3:07 PM , Blogger Adriana said...

wow what a great post. i think feeling that way is one of my biggest fears My son nearly died at birth (you can read his story on my blog) and it has made me cling to him. It def. hit me that life moves so fast and i cant tell you how much time i spend just starring at him. especially at first. i was supposed to go right back to work and i am just starting to 8 months later. Everyone teases me that im going to turn him into a mamas boy but i feel like his babyhood is such a small part of his life and i wanna soak it all in. i feel a lot of pressure to sort of "get on with my life" thanks for reaffirming my need (and want) to spend as much time as i can with him while he is young.

love your blog. i found it from sits
adriana
www.justbyliving.com

 
At June 23, 2010 at 9:46 PM , Blogger Mindy said...

Thanks so much for visiting my blog. I loved reading this honest, heartfelt post and look forward to reading more (I'm a new follower). I think every mom, no matter the circumstances looks back with regret and wonders how things could have been better or different or if she'd done things right. I've felt some of this with both of my kids and expect I'll feel it again. While my circumstances are different, I could absolutely relate to those feelings. I also love that your husband has been a part of your (and your son's) life for so long. He sounds wonderful.

 
At June 24, 2010 at 12:29 AM , Blogger Mama Hen said...

Hey Adrienne! I gave you two awards! You deserve them! Come and grab them!

Mama Hen

 
At June 24, 2010 at 6:49 PM , Blogger Holly said...

This story is so touching. We all make mistakes and you were wise enough to realize the situation you were in was not right...and then you get your reward, a lovely family and a wonderful man.

I have to tell you that I was married and older and prepared for my son 9 years ago, and I feel the same way you do. I feel like I missed something like I did not take the time to hold him and just be.

I will come by and grab your button later. I want to mention your Monday meme on Tickled pink...any other info I should know...email me...holly504main@ yahoo.com

 
At June 26, 2010 at 8:52 AM , Blogger Life Without Pink said...

Wow I couldn't imagine being home alone with a newborn. You have to give yourself credit for doing this all by yourself. To me, that means you are an amazing mother and person. I have a hard time remembering both of my boys when they were little and I had help. Don't be so hard on yourself. You know that you gave him lots of love and that is all that matters. Stopping over from both Pour My Heart Out and Lady Blogger Tea Party.

 
At June 26, 2010 at 10:24 AM , Blogger Homemaker Honey said...

Hi! I'm here from The Lady Bloggers Tea Party Social! Pleased to meet you. I've got a HELLO, HANDSOME blog party happening at my blog right now. I'd be tickled pink if you stopped by and joined in the fun.

Deborah
Homemaker Honey
homemakerhoney.com

 
At June 26, 2010 at 11:07 AM , Blogger Adrienne said...

Precious and touching story. So glad I found you via the LBS Tea Party Social. I'll be keeping up. Best wishes!

 

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