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Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I'm here AGAIN?!

I walked into the room and immediately felt uncomfortable. I was here again. Even after everyone knew how he’d treated me, I was here. We were here. Together.

I felt embarrassed and proud at the same time. Maybe they would see that it would work out this time. He was here wasn’t he? Insecurity reaped its head, and I immediately went into social mode to make up for the lack of confidence. Smile. Fake it, right?

I was good at that. I didn’t really care what anyone thought. The decision was mine. I can handle it. I don’t even really care how things work out between us. Live for today. Don’t worry about tomorrow.

Is she shows up, I’ll just play it off. I won’t even care if he looks at her, or talks to her. I’m a laid back kind of girlfriend. No jealously here. As I talked my real self into my new self I went straight to the bar and grabbed a drink. I would need to relax a little to get through the night. Captain and Coke. That works. The heat of the drink began to put me at ease. We came together but we don’t have be by each other all night! Mingle.

I talked with friends. No one brought it up. I was glad. I had a good time. I didn’t drink too much. I was responsible. I wanted to keep my head. After all, my real self knew I needed to make sure I was safe at the end of the night. I nursed the Captain and Coke for hours. It kept me relaxed. Not so much the drink itself, but just having it in my hand. Even though I didn’t care pretended not to care what he was doing I could see he was drunk already. He stood hunched on the bar for support slobbering over...not her, but the nameless blonde bartender! As he does this he looks at me giving me a glance every once in awhile to assure me he was mine. 

Everyone seemed to pay no attention to him, as his behavior was nothing new. No one seemed to call attention to it either. My close friends kind of gave me a look as if they knew he was letting me down again, but what was the point of saying anything. I wouldn’t listen.

As I watched the bartender lean over the bar to kiss him on the cheek, and plant a folded napkin in his shirt pocket I looked the other way. Really? Did I just see that? We haven’t even been here for two hours! He’s never going to change. He’s always going to be this way.

I could leave. Leave him. I’m sober. I drove. He's not even sober enough to care where he ends up tonight!
That's what I'm going to do. Leave. Quiet exit, no goodbyes. Just leave.

As I was considering my options he began walking over to me. He looked at me with those gorgeous eyes, and smiled. As if to assure me in some twisted way. After all, we don’t actually talk about any of this. All of our communication is physical. Always physical. It's left to body language, eye contact, touch…left for me to decipher the meaning without words. So frustrating! I just want to go. I’m just not sure how much more of this night I can handle. He leans in to kiss me on my neck, and I read this slow and gentle kiss to be one of the many ways he tells me he loves me.

But, I’m always wrong.

Then I hear someone I don’t know…a child. He’s yelling. “MOM, I wet the bed!”

What?

“Mommy, help me get up.”

I opened my eyes and realized.

Thank you Lord for this life.

Father God, protect my dreams, and heal me from past hurts that don't matter anymore.







Labels: ,

40 Comments:

At July 7, 2010 at 9:50 AM , Blogger Vonnie said...

I love how you write. I was on the edge of my seat. I love that you've been blessed with this husband, this family, those boys who wake you up in the midst of your nightmares. Love you, girl.

 
At July 7, 2010 at 10:15 AM , Blogger Jessica said...

"Thank you Lord for this life. Father God, protect my dreams, and heal me from past hurts that don't matter anymore."

Thank you for sharing Adrienne. I think any of us who have decided to follow after our Savior say this exact thing, repeatedly.

 
At July 7, 2010 at 10:39 AM , Blogger Laurel said...

This was a fantastic post. I'm so glad you woke into the good life that you obviously cherish. Thanks for sharing!

 
At July 7, 2010 at 10:42 AM , Blogger Shell said...

That was beautifully written! I'ts amazing how we can end up with such a different and BETTER life.

 
At July 7, 2010 at 10:49 AM , Blogger Ian said...

Wow - fantastic post. Shell sent me over and I'm glad she did

 
At July 7, 2010 at 1:10 PM , Blogger Jenny said...

amazing writing...i think we have all been here once.

 
At July 7, 2010 at 1:39 PM , Anonymous Wendy at Domestic Success said...

Oh Phew - you got me! I am glad it was a nightmare! You are a great writer. I am here from Laddy Blogger!

 
At July 7, 2010 at 1:41 PM , Blogger Karen Mortensen said...

Wow. That was great. I liked what everyone said. I am glad your life is so wonderful now.

 
At July 7, 2010 at 2:01 PM , Blogger Christy said...

wow, what a moving post. wow, like seriously you don't know how close this post is to me, and how true the ending is as well. thank you for writing and sharing!

 
At July 7, 2010 at 7:36 PM , Blogger Ruth said...

this is so beautiful!!

 
At July 7, 2010 at 8:38 PM , Blogger adrienzgirl said...

I often wake from dreams of my former self and thank God that I am where I am today.

It takes those bad experiences for some of us though, to know and appreciate how far we've come, and to enjoy the gifts we have received!

 
At July 7, 2010 at 11:12 PM , Blogger purseblogger said...

Oh my gosh! I totally had no idea that was a dream. You write so well girl! Visiting from Shells blog. Glad to find you. :)

 
At July 7, 2010 at 11:22 PM , Blogger Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

So well written...Great post! I was on my seat racing to the end and actually heaved a sigh of relief for you!

 
At July 8, 2010 at 12:27 AM , Blogger Steph said...

Over from Shell's...

GREAT post!! Love it!

Looking forward to reading your blog and getting to know you. :)

 
At July 8, 2010 at 1:30 AM , Blogger Tammy said...

Great post and luckily it was only a dream! You are a great story teller. Can't wait to read more of you! :)

 
At July 9, 2010 at 12:06 PM , Blogger Holly said...

That was such a good story!!!!!I was so sucked in! You totally got me though!

 
At July 10, 2010 at 7:51 AM , Blogger Michelle said...

I thought this was a great post! We've all been there. Thankfully we aren't anymore.

Found you at the Tea Party.

Michelle
http://pietrosmomma.blogspot.com/

 
At July 10, 2010 at 8:07 AM , Blogger Katina said...

Loved this!!! Thanks so much! So funny, I could totally identify with the way the character felt in the beginning of the story. It hit home.

 
At July 10, 2010 at 8:14 AM , Blogger Katina said...

Hey there! I forgot to mention that I am now following you!!

 
At July 10, 2010 at 8:22 AM , Anonymous Angie - The Work at Home Wife said...

Oh, that was sneaky! I was almost ready to cry. Thank the Dear Lord that was a dream.

Here from SITS!

 
At July 10, 2010 at 9:57 AM , Anonymous Grace said...

That hit close to home. I'm glad it was a dream for you, and I'm glad the nightmare is over for me!

 
At July 10, 2010 at 10:57 AM , Blogger Cristy said...

It's sad to say, but so true...the past makes us appreciate the present sometimes. : )

Great story, glad you're not in that place anymore.

 
At July 10, 2010 at 11:14 AM , Blogger Holly said...

Great post! Been there , done that and so glad to have the life i have now too!

 
At July 10, 2010 at 12:37 PM , OpenID amyblam.com said...

Great post! I can so relate. It's always so funny to me how things work out how they're supposed to-even if at the time it feels terrible.

 
At July 10, 2010 at 1:01 PM , Anonymous Charlotte said...

You had me going, girl! Great post. I actually was reading this, making mental notes on the things I wanted to touch on in my reply, and then realized it was all a dream. I'm so happy you are blessed with this life and that you are truly happy :)

I'm also stopping by from the Lady Bloggers Tea Party and will continue to follow!

 
At July 10, 2010 at 1:53 PM , Anonymous Classic NYer said...

Wow... what amazing writing. What a chilling story. Very reminiscent of... nope. Not going to think about it.

Dropping by from LBS!

 
At July 10, 2010 at 5:55 PM , Blogger Diane said...

Just found your blog. Great post and writing. You painted this picture so clearly and it reminded me of a time, long ago, in my former life. I'm your newest follower. :)

 
At July 10, 2010 at 6:27 PM , Blogger CALIFORNIA MOMMA said...

Your writing flows naturally and its details are great. you should really write a full length novel!! Just visiting from Lady Bloggers!!

 
At July 12, 2010 at 12:40 PM , Blogger Jessie said...

I am your newest follower. Please follow me back at www.jessielynnsmith.com

Thanks!

<3 Jess

 
At July 16, 2010 at 9:44 AM , Blogger MommaKiss said...

incredible story, I felt like I was in the bar with you. You write wonderfully!

I'm just going to say it - to the comment above me. Seriously? Way to actually read a post. "follow me back" Seriously?

 
At October 14, 2010 at 9:21 AM , Blogger Jenners said...

You called it! Thank God for this life ... and that we left those types of guys behind. I dated one just like that and thank my lucky stars every day that it didn't work out.

Well done! Glad you chose to recycle.

Visiting from Mama Kats.

 
At October 14, 2010 at 9:33 AM , Blogger Jennifer said...

Then ending was beautiful. Praise God for a good life.

 
At October 14, 2010 at 11:40 AM , Blogger Heather Pranitis said...

Great post! You've been added to my blog roll. A bit later today I will be adding your button.

 
At April 4, 2011 at 9:14 AM , Blogger alison said...

very moving post...thank the lord it was only a dream...maybe to remind you of your blessings...just stopping by from sits to say hello...i am also a fellow homeschool mum...have a wonderful day in the spotlight!

blessings,

alison
stuff and nonsense

 
At April 4, 2011 at 9:47 AM , Blogger Marie said...

Glad your past hurts are just that...PAST! :)

 
At April 4, 2011 at 11:04 AM , Anonymous yul said...

what a great way to write.I love your post.. happy SITS day ~

 
At April 4, 2011 at 11:54 AM , Blogger Maggie S. said...

Way to be BRAVE! Happy SITS.

 
At April 4, 2011 at 1:49 PM , Blogger Grams said...

I love this post! I am also so thankful for the life I have and that God's answer for some of my youthful prayers was "NO."

 
At April 4, 2011 at 2:00 PM , OpenID homeiswhatyoumakeit said...

bad dream.
great post!

 
At April 4, 2011 at 5:06 PM , Blogger Morgan said...

Whew! I wasn't sure where it was going ... but I'm so glad it ended like it did. Great post!

Visiting from SITS :)

 

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