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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Exhale

It was a cool January morning. The air was think with wet. She could feel the mist on her face as she turned the key to open her car door.

As she drove to pick him up she wondered if all the promises he had made in the last few nights would ever be kept? Would he ever be faithful to her? Treat her with the respect she deserves? Would he ever get his life straight?

During the Christmas season things seemed to take a turn for normal. If that even existed. The holidays seem to do that to people.

What was once a zero commitment, pretend-him-sleeping-around-doesn't-bother-her kind of relationship transitioned over the holiday season to something closer to normal. Whatever that was. They appeared to be more of a couple in the last month or so, but she knew others knew better. She hated the way people looked at her when they were together. The mass confusion from others was obvious. In a rebellious self inflicted pain sort of way it spurred her on. She's always loved a good challenge, but perhaps this one was taking it's toll on her.

It would never stay good. Why did she hold out hope in such a waste? But she did. Part of her belieived he could change. Part of her wanted to believe in him. Somebody had to. Something deep down in his eyes needed her. He was broken. How could she just walk away? The probelm was-he was breaking her.


She was tired. Tired of being used. Used for the times he felt like being normal. Used for the times he needed to feel normal. Used for the times he wanted to pretend he could actually have a normal future with her. Used. She allowed herself to be used. Used for the times he wanted others to see his normal side. Used for times he needed to bring someone home to mom. Used. Used like the rest of his drugs. That's all she was. A drug.

The long ride to his house felt longer than any drive she'd made there before. Something inside her knew deep to her core that she was going to be disappointed before they even got to the rehab facility. How would she handle it if he let her down again? What would she say? What would she do? Would she cry? Probably not. Her emotions never surfaced.

Is it possible he could let her down before he even starts treatment? Would all of his letters and promises fly out the window before the day even began.

She pulled up, got out, and walked inside. It felt like her heart was beating out of her chest. Shattering again. She just knew it. The air in the house was cold, and there was no greeting. He wasn't here.

As she tried to keep her composure his mom came around the corner to the foyer. She was cussing and going off about how she "told him not go last night....he doesn't listen...he's an idiot..." All the banter was running together..."that tramp in the red truck...I don't why he does this to you...idiot...now he's gonna be late...they might not even take him in...I'm too sick for this shit..."

She tried to tune her out and think. She sat down at the dinette. Lit a cigarette.
Inhale. Sit.

The front door opens. She sees the red truck pull out of the driveway.
Exhale.

He comes in. Head down. Walks right passed her and gets in the shower.
Inhale.

He's never going to change.
Exhale.

She felt somethig inside her she had never felt before.
Inhale.

Rage. Quiet rage. She was done.
Exhale.

She had no idea her life would never be the same.


*************************
I wrote another post about this relationship last year. Maybe I'll write more?
Today seemed like a good day. Third person works for me. I don't recognize that girl anymore.
Thank you, Jesus!
*************************
I'm linked up with Shell today at Things I Can't Say.

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9 Comments:

At April 20, 2011 at 10:58 AM , Blogger Katertot said...

Thank you for sharing this poignant, personal part of your life.

My heart broke a little bit as I read it, but I found myself hoping for the happy ending.

 
At April 20, 2011 at 12:18 PM , Blogger Shell said...

third person helps me with things like this, too.

I'm glad that your life is so different now!

 
At April 20, 2011 at 1:21 PM , Blogger Hutch said...

I'd like to think we've all been there. It's the disappointment we experience from the hurtful relationships that leads to the appreciation of the good ones right?

 
At April 20, 2011 at 1:24 PM , Blogger Heather said...

I am glad you aren't that girl who took alotta crap anymore! :)
I feel left hanging here and would love to know what happened next.

 
At April 20, 2011 at 8:02 PM , Blogger Tara R. said...

This was heartbreaking, but hopeful in the end that she (you) was(were) done and ready to move forward.

 
At April 21, 2011 at 12:59 PM , Blogger (Florida) Girl said...

I have had this moment before. The ending really struck a chord with me.

 
At April 21, 2011 at 3:56 PM , Blogger Helene said...

Loved this post!! And I like that you wrote it in 3rd person, as if it happened to someone else who was YOU a long, long time ago.

I can relate to this post so well. Thank you for sharing this.

 
At April 22, 2011 at 12:28 PM , Blogger Sara said...

I loved this. It was so beautifully written. I could feel all the pain and frustration of this moment. Writing in the third person is the hardest thing to do, but you did it very well :-)

 
At April 22, 2011 at 10:47 PM , Blogger Heather H said...

Since this is about someone you don't recognize anymore, perhaps third person is quite appropriate. Good story, and very empowering. Glad you got out.

 

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