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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I want my son back.

This wasn't the post I planned  on sharing today. But, in true Pour Your Heart Out fashion, I'm pouring a tall glass of frustration, sadness, anger, confusion, loneliness, and I'm telling you, just about every emotion out there. I've been working on sharing some posts about a girl I used to know HERE and HERE, and I have a new one in the works. But this morning, I'm putting those aside...I just need to vent.

I watch him pace. From one end of the house to other. All day.

His OCD has completely taken over his life, and he is not functioning.

My son is gone.

We spent the last 4 weeks trying a medication that didn't help at all. Although it helped his temperament, it really seemed to make the OCD worse. It was as if it calmed him down enough to have OCD and be fine with it. Yet, the tendencies were worse. He just didn't get upset about them. So, he's just begun a new anti-depressant, and if this one doesn't help pull him out of this hell he's in, I'm not sure what I will do.

Now that he's full blown dysfunctional with OCD, I can look back and see that these tendencies were there all along. He's always had his quirks. For example, he has always been a terrible sharer. Not because he doesn't have a giving heart, but because he doesn't want anyone messing with his stuff. But now the monster has been unleashed. He's living in a world that only makes sense to him, and I do not know how to bring him back.

He spent last night pacing-all night. At bedtime instead of climbing into bed for a good night's rest, he stood in the middle of the room with a look a pure fear on his face. He thinks his bed is dirty, and therefore, cannot sleep in it.

I checked on him at midnight. Sleep up.

He was up at 1 am.

He was up at 2 am.

He only got about 3 hours of sleep last night.

At 6:30 am, my husband checked on him. He opened his bloodshot eyes to say, "I feel dirty." And closed them again from exhaustion.

When I peeked in on him, I didn't get a warm fuzzy. I wasn't happy to see that he'd finally gotten in his bed. I was heartbroken. Because what I found was a scared little boy, who happened to be asleep.

He was curled up at the foot of his bed in the fetal position. With only a sheet to keep him warm. (The comforter is dirty, you know.)

The list of things he will not do right now is a mile long. He won't play his video games because they're contaminated, he hasn't brushed his teeth in (I cannot believe I'm telling you this) over two weeks. I've purchased 4 different toothbrushes in this period of time, and the current toothbrush is contaminated by the cashier who checked out our groceries.

We've seen our psychologist, psychiatrist, and pediatrician. We've finally found a therapist to meet with regularly who specialized in adolescent OCD, Occupational therapy is lined today, as a matter of fact. However, I do not see the point in going today. It's not like he's going use any of their equipment. OT is going to be counter-productive until we can get a handle on this OCD.

We've done everything we can. Including going to my doctor to get a prescription of my own! I'm exhausted, and stressed, and everything in between. I know my limits and I need a little extra serotonin for this ride!

It's going to be another 3-4 weeks before we see if this new medicine helps the OCD.

So we will wait.

Until we get a handle on the OCD, everything else is just fluff.

I want my son back.

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At June 22, 2011 at 8:19 AM , Blogger More Milestones said...

I'm so sorry. I can't tell you I know what you're going through with this disease because I can't. I can tell you I have 2 boys and know how your heart must be breaking for him.
Praying for you.
~ Mona

At June 22, 2011 at 8:57 AM , Blogger Holly Diane said...

I have no words of wisdom..just a hug and an ear to listen.


At June 22, 2011 at 9:20 AM , Blogger Tara R. said...

My son was diagnosed with OCD when he was 12... he turns 18 tomorrow. I understand totally what you're going through. It is so hard to watch someone you love so much struggle with something you really can't help him conquer.

We went through round after round of medications, the withdrawals, the terrible side effects, the lost sleep, all of it. We finally found a combination of meds that seem to be working, and a doctor who is great.

It's a long, emotional process, but I believe it will get better for your son, like it has for mine.

Don't forget to keep taking care of yourself. You have to be strong and resilient to best help your son. Good luck and best wishes... you're not alone.

(stopping by from PYHO)

At June 22, 2011 at 9:40 AM , Blogger amygrew said...

I am thinking of you and your son. I can't imagine what you are going through. I hope that the new medicine will help.

At June 22, 2011 at 9:51 AM , Blogger Sara said...

I will pray for your son, and your family. That you all get the peace you need, and that somehow his team is able to come up with some kind of solution to this for y'all. I am so sorry for your- and esp. his- pain.

At June 22, 2011 at 10:12 AM , Blogger Di said...

Oh Adrienne - I am so sorry.

I wish there was a way I could make the situation better but I will pray for your family and hope that a solution does come and soon!

At June 22, 2011 at 11:01 AM , Blogger Karen Mortensen said...

I don't know what to say. I will pray that you all can weather the storm with strength and that a solution will come. Also, sending a big hug to you.

At June 22, 2011 at 11:02 AM , Blogger Lisa said...

I cannot even imagine how hard this must be. I admire your strength and your determination to make life better for your son. I am thinking of you and hoping your son comes back soon.


At June 22, 2011 at 12:19 PM , Blogger Renee said...

Oh, this makes my heart ache. I can't imagine what you are going through.

Offering a little prayer for you and your family.

At June 22, 2011 at 2:00 PM , Blogger JDaniel4's Mom said...

What a challenge! It sounds like you are doing all the right things. I hope the meds work.

At June 22, 2011 at 3:18 PM , Blogger adrienzgirl said...

Having children with special needs, is the most frustrating thing there is. Moms are supposed to be able to fix all the boo-boos, but we can't "fix" the ones on the inside. *sigh*

{{{{big hugs}}}}

Just keep working towards finding meds, or a combination of meds. Eventually you will find something that will correct the chemical imbalance.

At June 22, 2011 at 3:39 PM , Blogger Janet Rose said...

I'm sorry you and your family are having to experience this together. May God give you all an extra measure of grace as you endure the struggles of OCD.

At June 22, 2011 at 9:25 PM , Blogger Rach (DonutsMama) said...

Oh I am so very very sorry your family is going through this. I really hope your son gets the help he needs. Truly.

At June 22, 2011 at 9:25 PM , Blogger angela said...

I am so sorry to hear about your struggle with this. I don't have words of wisdom, but I wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and your family tonight and sending good thoughts that you will find a combination of meds and therapy that can bring your boy back to you.

At June 23, 2011 at 12:12 AM , Blogger Sarah said...

I'm so sorry Adrienne, that's such a tough place to be. I'll keep you and your son in my prayers!

At June 23, 2011 at 6:26 AM , Blogger Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

Oh Adrienne, my heart is breaking for you. I wish there was more to do than offer 'and ear' and prayers.

At June 23, 2011 at 8:07 AM , Blogger Dawna said...

OH, Adrienne! I cannot imagine the hell that he must be in at the moment, nor can I imagine how difficult it has to be for you - as his mom - to watch him go through it. My heart and thoughts are with you and yours as you go through this difficult time.

BIG comforting hugs to all of you!

At June 23, 2011 at 11:14 AM , Blogger sskcraftshop @ Hooks, Needles and Brushes said...

So sorry to hear, my prayers wih you...I follow you, stopping from alexa hop...need help with followers, we run a community to teach women and kids who are nto financially sound and need sponsor for the same so need followers..pls follow us at

At June 23, 2011 at 1:05 PM , Blogger Peeper said...

I can imagine how helpless and frustrated I would be feeling if I were in your place. Watching your child suffer is the worst, worst feeling there is. Good for you for taking care of yourself by seeing your own doctor and writing about how you feel. ((Hugs)) and many positive thoughts coming your way.

At June 23, 2011 at 4:50 PM , Blogger Shell said...

That must be so hard to watch. *hugs* Sending you prayers.

At June 23, 2011 at 5:11 PM , Blogger Adrienne said...

Sending prayers to you and your family

At June 23, 2011 at 10:24 PM , Blogger Kim said...

Oh my dear friend, I have no words of comfort. I can't imagine all the heartbreak and frustration of this. I send you my warm thoughts and hopes that your situation gets better and you and your son find a new state of normalcy soon.

At June 23, 2011 at 11:19 PM , Blogger The Woven Moments said...

I believe your son will come back to you. I do.

I am sending you love and strength for your journey.

At June 25, 2011 at 10:07 AM , Blogger Jen Has A Pen said...

I can't even begin to understand how completely heart breaking this must be for your whole family. I am so sorry you are going through this and I am hoping for a very speedy and permanent resolution.

At June 26, 2011 at 12:37 AM , Blogger Kristin said...

How overwhelming and heart breaking. I am so sorry your little guy is struggling.

At June 27, 2011 at 11:19 AM , Blogger Katertot said...

Your son's not gone permanantly...he's in there!

A good OT will work through the OCD.

Hugs hugs and more hugs!

At July 2, 2011 at 2:26 PM , Blogger Boobies said...

Adrienne, I'm so sorry you guys are going through this...I can't imagine how hard it must be...on your son, on you...your family.

Stay positive and hang in there Mama!


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