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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Lost

She enjoyed the freedom of not wondering where he was or if he'd call. The rage that sprouted in her heart the week before grew into a numb state of being. A monster of sorts. She partied, went out with friends, and cared only about not caring about anything.

She made an effort to forget about him. Forget about everything.

Life without him was fun. 

She'd been tangled up in the habit of him for so long, that she forgot there was a whole world out there.

Friends. Family. Other guys!

It was like she was someone else. Living two lives. She visited him when she was expected to. She listened to his sober promises and waited for the hour to pass. Waited to be free again.

She wanted to find herself, but got further lost in the process.

One life where she'd visit him in rehab because she felt like she had to, and another where he didn't exist.

Torn between a relationship of routine and a life where she could hide from the habit.

It was becoming painfully obvious she liked the later much better. Not only was it becoming obvious to her, but it was obvious to him too. He had heard through the gossip mill that she'd been out and about. He'd question her. Show his jealous side she'd never seen before. She didn't enjoy it. It enraged her even more.

How dare he question her? What does she owe him? Nothing!

He'd treated her like garbage for two years. Slept with any bar fly that crossed his path, took her for granted, never appreciated the fact that she cared about him. She cared. He never did.

This unknown feeling of rage grew inside of her like a bad disease. She partied, stayed out late at bars, drank, became someone she didn't know.

She was lost and didn't even know it.

When would she find the girl she was looking for?

*************************

You can read other posts I've written about my past below.
1. Exhale
2. Rehab
It takes me a while to work up the guts to write these. I have to sort through some old memories, horrible feelings, and sift through what I will share, and what I will keep for me. I hope I can keep writing more of them. I write in third person because it's easier for me. She's someone I hardly recognize.

This post is linked up with Shell at Things I Can't Say for her Pour Your Heart Out meme.

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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I like the idea of a healthier me!












Only Parent Chronicles

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I stopped...

I stopped last week for a refresher. I barely went online, I emptied out my inbox and gave up trying to reply to everyone, I read two books, spent time with my kiddos, and hung out at the beach most of the week with friends and family. I went to a friend's house yesterday and spent the day just sitting around and visiting while our kids played. It's been heavenly!

It's so important to slow down, and take life in! I actually do not think I'm done relaxing. I'm in full-on vacation mode! Sleeping in, and staying up late, not caring what we do during the day, just going with the flow!

I've let my kids bring their mattresses out into the living room for a "camp-out", and they've been there for a week.

I'm not sure if I want to come back to reality. I think I'll hang out here for a little while longer.

I'm in no hurry to get back to a rigid schedule. I'm seriously considering just starting school NEXT fall!
A girl can dream...

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Wordless Wednesday: Summer Lovin'



















This is one of my favorite pictures I've snapped this summer. We've been enjoying our summer at the beach. We are tan and happy! It's been heavenly. It hasn't left me with a whole lot of time for blogging, but sometimes living life is so much sweeter than  blogging about it!

Are you taking time out to have some summer fun?

Wordless Wednesday with 5 Minutes for Mom.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

But take heart!

In my Bible time today, I came across a passage that really spoke to me. I'm blessed to have some of the friends that I do. The bible study I'm doing was a gift from a dear IRL friend, and every time I'm obedient enough to pick it up I'm blessed with a message God is speaking straight to my heart.

Tonight I'm left with the sweet reminder that God is faithful and His Word is truth, even in tough times.

I don't want my struggles to pull me away from God. I want them to draw me near. In times of trouble it's so difficult to remain faithful, and trust in His plan. But, if I'm going to teach my boys to rely fully on God then I'm going to have to live it out!

Even though God has thrown me a curve ball recently with my son, he has surrounded me with tangible reminders of his love and faithfulness. I feel like he's telling me, "Hold out!", "I've got this!"

A couple of weeks ago we were in church and to the right of me sat one of my best friends. The one bearing gifts mentioned above. Over the past two years she has struggled through the devastating loss of a 7 month pregnancy over two years ago. Since then she's battled infertility, a second miscarriage, and months and months of spiritual battles. Somehow in the midst of her struggles she was able to inspire me and many others through her friendship, fellowship, and leadership. God shows me he is faithful when I can sit next to her now in church as she is 9 months pregnant and about to pop! We were at worship together a couple of weeks ago. Since then she's had the baby! I've got to hold the little princess, and I'm hopelessly in love! 
God is good!

"Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption!" ~Psalm 130:7

To my left sat my husband. Yet, another sweet reminder of his faithfulness! I've written about our spiritually mismatched marriage and my husband in the past. Not too long ago I was really struggling in this area. I was losing hope in our marriage and in God. Not too long ago this was the trial that I felt like I couldn't get through.Sunday mornings haven't always been the easiest, and sharing my faith with my husband has been trying over the years. Yet, in the midst of this new valley (struggles with my son) He shows me a mountain top! He is bringing my man to church over and over. My husband has probably been to church more in the past 6 months than his whole life!
God is faithful!

"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." ~2 Chronicles 20:2

Even as I type this post I'm reminded of where we are compared to a year ago. A year ago we were stressed to the max over financial decisions that had to made, we were at the crossroads of some major turning points in our lives, and I felt like I wasn't going to make it through that either! The last year or so was like an emotional roller coaster I was never going to get off of. Yet, in an unexpected twist, and a path I had no idea was in the works, God provided a perfect new start. My husband's business has been thriving, and better times are ahead. All Glory to God!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine!" ~Ephesians 3:20

I won't lie, I spent months crying my eyes out to God while I sweat my butt off on the elliptical. I have no idea how to spell the name of this hated machine, and I refuse to give it more attention than I already do 3 times a week.

I prayed and prayed for direction and wisdom in our decisions and move. I thought once we put the financial mess behind us and moved on all would be perfect. Really! I thought everything was wrapped up in this move. Stupid me! It's never what we think. Unless we are puting Him first. My satisfaction needs to come from God and God alone.

I had no idea that this new journey would begin with a downward spiral for my son. This has really thrown me for a loop! But tonight I will remain faithful that all of this is part of the plan I know He has for us. Things are getting better. My son is showing a lot of improvements, and I will continue to rest in his Truth! I will take heart! I know He's got this!

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." ~John 16:33

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Friday, July 15, 2011

Summer thoughts on the Fall

It seems so unfair that I have to start thinking about the start of school already. But, we start soon, and I need to be prepared. Sigh...

This fall we will begin our third year homeschooling. My oldest will be going into 7th grade, and my youngest will be starting 1st grade. I cannot believe they are this big.

I've considered other options for this coming fall. Especially with my oldest's needs. I'm constantly questioning the decision. I have to stop doing that to myself. Even after considering our options, we always land back at homeschool for both our boys.

I'm ready to take on the year, and make it wonderful!

Most of our curriculum is purchased and I just have a few loose ends to tie up.Choosing curriculum can be one the hardest things to do. I will begin lesson planning, and making our calendar for the school year. If I don't map out the year and get a glimpse of the time we have to complete our lessons and fit in vacation time and holidays, it won't all get done.

I have a few goals this year.

This year I just want to slow down and enjoy it more. As we enter our third year, I have a different kind of peace and confidence. The first year I questioned being able to do it. The second year I knew I could, but did I want to? This year-I know we can do it, and I know I want to. I'm looking forward to my first year as a veteran. I don't feel like such a newbie anymore.

My husband is thankful for this, I'm sure. I no longer talk to him for hours about curriculum choices I've agonized over for hours.

One of the biggest challenges I have as a homeschooling mom is the age gap between the two boys. I want both boys to enjoy learning and plan engaging activities for our lessons that are age appropriate for both of them. That can be hard when one is a teenager and one is still a little guy. The boys have totally different personalities and learning styles. They both have their own talents and gifts and somehow I want to nurture each of them in those areas.

I have no master plan for that. I just want to make a great year for them!

I'm looking forward to the school year. I'm excited to see what God has planned for us this year.

I have a feeling it's something good!

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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

It's a good day!

We finally had the therapy appointment we've been waiting for today. It went really well! The therapist seems very nice, and has suffered from OCD himself. I'm all about someone who has experience with the topic at hand! Today was the basic interview/first appointment kind of meeting, but I have a good feeling about this guy, and feel confident that he will be a positive influence for my son. Thank God!

My son was very receptive during our appointments today, and I'm super proud of him. After we met our new therapist, we also had to meet with our psychiatrist to make sure we get a prescription for a follow up, and although she is very intimidating for him, he did well at that appointment too.

I'm feeling at peace today knowing I'm on the right track. I feel like I'm in the driver's seat this time. Not that I'm being a control freak, but if I rely on doctors to tell me everything, I'll never figure out anything!

A few years ago I felt helpless, and uncertain about the direction I should take with my son's care. I put too much value on what others told me was going on with him, instead of following my gut! I'm not going to let that happen to him again.

I'm his mom AND his teacher! Nobody knows him better than me!

We had an interesting conversation with his psychiatrist today. After hearing an update on the progress we've made in the past few weeks, she started telling me we need to tackle his ADHD next. Um, hold on, lady. First of all, she only knows he was misdiagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago because I told her in our last appointment. My son has been nearly silent in both of our sessions, and I'm wondering why she would even choose to zero in on this? Did she hear anything else I shared with her last time? He's been attentive and nervous, and hasn't even had a chance to get to know her. Ugh! Here we go...

I immediately explain to her that while I am not opposed to ADHD, and do believe that my son displays many of those traits, I do not believe this is the root to his problems, and we know medication for that did not help him in the past. I remind her that our psychologist has recently diagnosed (and I agree) my son with mild Asperger's Syndrome and Sensory Processing Disorder. I leave out my opinion, which is that this is the only thing that has made sense in 12 years, and I know in my heart we're on the right track.

She smiles, shakes her head, and tells me she doesn't "do" Asperger's. She proceeds to tell me she's from the "old school".

Haha.

That's when I sit back, take a breathe, and tell her...



Look. I understand your medical opinion, and I'm sure it's based on plenty of psychiatric experience. Call it whatever you want! I honestly do not care what label you write on your form, as long as you help him. I just want my son to grow up confident, comfortable, and happy! I want to empower him to manage the things he struggles with, and learn to tackle all of this. Period!

That's when she shuts up and says she wants the same thing. I smile, and confidently tell her that I'm glad we have established we are on the same page, and as long as I feel my son is benefiting from her prescription care, we will continue to see her.

Here's the thing. My son isn't going to receive any useful therapy from her. She's a doctor. She writes the script. I'm OK with that. I can see the anti-depressant she prescribed is helping him, and she has served her purpose.

I'm learning to create a team of the people he needs. It's not going to be one thing or person, and it's not going to be overnight. It's going to take time. We met a therapist we like. We have a more than supportive psychologist. In God's time we will find the right OT, and I will use this psychiatrist for what we need her for. All of the puzzle pieces will start to fall into place.

I understand there's debate about Asperger's. My son is very high functioning. His quirks are not in-your-face until you spend time with him. She's spent a total of 1 hour and 30 minutes with him. Not everyone in the medical community (especially those from the "old school") will always tell me what I want to hear. So what. I don't need them to anymore. I know what my heart is telling me, I'm finally following my instincts instead of worrying about what others think, and ya know what? We're getting somewhere. That's what matters!

I felt good when we left. I felt confident I made the right choices today. There's a lot to be said about that. I give God all the glory for helping me today. I asked him for his help, and he delivered!

Since it's still Wednesday, and I still have time to visit some of you. I'm linking this post up with Shell at Things I Can't Say. I did pour my heart out after all.

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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Family

I come from a large family. I'm actually the youngest of 5 kids. When I was a baby my father and birth mother divorced. My sister and I lived with our grandmother for the first 5 years of my life, and in 1984 my dad remarried the woman I consider my mom. It was a modern day Brady bunch adventure. She had three kids of her own, and my dad had us.

There were good times and bad. Fights, arguments, and lots of love.

We've all grown up. It think, in a sense, we've all gone through our ups and downs of dealing with the mixed emotions of a blended family. I know I had to go down a road of personal growth, and get to know myself, my past (including meeting my birth mother), and face some differences of opinions and behaviors when it came to the family. There were hurt feelings, elephants in the room, and drama at times.

But, the fact is. They are my family. Family never goes away.

I'm so thankful for each of my siblings, and love each of them dearly. No matter how different we all are. We have one thing in common.

We are family.

As an adult I am surrounded with all of my siblings, and 11 nieces and nephews! The oldest just went off to college, and the youngest is toddlering around at a hotel near me this morning. I feel blessed to be near family, and feel blessed to spend a summer day in the sun with some of them today.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

His way are not my ways...

This week has flown by. It's been a little hectic and God has surprised me more than once.

This morning I was left confused and frustrated after my son's clinical therapy evaluation was canceled not once but TWICE this week. What the heck?! I felt like screaming!

I received a call last Friday to let me know that the Occupational Therapist we saw last week would like him to attend his clinical therapy for 4-6 weeks before we move forward with any OT. Argh! I'm still not totally sure if I agree with this, and I am considering getting a second opinion. However, I'm trying to remain at peace knowing that God has a hand in all of this, and perhaps it would be best to start with the clinical therapist for a while first. It would be less overwhelming for my son, and what's the harm in waiting a little? So...I've been looking forward to meeting this clinical therapist that was recommended to us, and supposedly specializes in OCD. We made the appointment almost a month ago. It's ridiculous how long you have to wait to get into some of these places...So, that's our next move.

Then? I got a call on Tuesday morning asking me to reschedule (the appointment I had waited a month for) because our therapist would not be in the office that day. Argh. Well, ok, I guess. In the process of rescheduling I realized they didn't even have me scheduled with the right person anyway. Damn! We rescheduled and I was assured we would be meeting with the right therapist on Thursday. Today.

My wake up call this morning?

The receptionist calling me to say there was a problem with our insurance, and we were showing ineligible. What?!

I grab a cup of coffee, call the insurance company, and learn we are just fine-covered! I call the therapist's office back, relay this info, and they tell me there must be some glitch in the system, because they cannot pull him up as insured, and that they have no choice but to reschedule. It's office policy.

Fine, I'll pay out of pocket!

I ask how much the fee is. It's ridiculous. But, I'll pay it anyway. We've been waiting for a month, and I start fuming, and feeling helpless. Then...I'm reminded of this verse...

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways", declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~Isaiah 55:8-9

I stopped.

Lord, I have no idea what you're up to, but give me a peace over your plan. Help me to surrender control to you, and walk in your promises...

I told her if there was a glitch in their system and my insurance is telling me I'm covered I just didn't see the point in paying out of pocket. It would be a matter of their computer working tomorrow and me spending a huge amount of money I don't need to. Why would I throw that money down the drain? Because I'm grasping at the chance to control something I cannot? I'm learning that I can either exhaust myself trying to control everything, or live in the peace of knowing only He can.

For whatever reason, God did not want us at that appointment this week. I cannot for the life of me figure out why, but I have to trust in Him.

I rescheduled. Again.

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