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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Lost

She enjoyed the freedom of not wondering where he was or if he'd call. The rage that sprouted in her heart the week before grew into a numb state of being. A monster of sorts. She partied, went out with friends, and cared only about not caring about anything.

She made an effort to forget about him. Forget about everything.

Life without him was fun. 

She'd been tangled up in the habit of him for so long, that she forgot there was a whole world out there.

Friends. Family. Other guys!

It was like she was someone else. Living two lives. She visited him when she was expected to. She listened to his sober promises and waited for the hour to pass. Waited to be free again.

She wanted to find herself, but got further lost in the process.

One life where she'd visit him in rehab because she felt like she had to, and another where he didn't exist.

Torn between a relationship of routine and a life where she could hide from the habit.

It was becoming painfully obvious she liked the later much better. Not only was it becoming obvious to her, but it was obvious to him too. He had heard through the gossip mill that she'd been out and about. He'd question her. Show his jealous side she'd never seen before. She didn't enjoy it. It enraged her even more.

How dare he question her? What does she owe him? Nothing!

He'd treated her like garbage for two years. Slept with any bar fly that crossed his path, took her for granted, never appreciated the fact that she cared about him. She cared. He never did.

This unknown feeling of rage grew inside of her like a bad disease. She partied, stayed out late at bars, drank, became someone she didn't know.

She was lost and didn't even know it.

When would she find the girl she was looking for?

*************************

You can read other posts I've written about my past below.
1. Exhale
2. Rehab
It takes me a while to work up the guts to write these. I have to sort through some old memories, horrible feelings, and sift through what I will share, and what I will keep for me. I hope I can keep writing more of them. I write in third person because it's easier for me. She's someone I hardly recognize.

This post is linked up with Shell at Things I Can't Say for her Pour Your Heart Out meme.

Labels:

6 Comments:

At July 27, 2011 at 9:26 AM , Blogger The Woven Moments said...

Do you know how many women have been to the dark place you've written about here?

There are a lot of us. But precious few of us are brave enough to write about it.

You give me chills, lady. :)

 
At July 27, 2011 at 2:09 PM , Blogger Shell said...

What a confusing time for you. You'd been in a bad relationship for so long that it must have felt like breaking free. I had some moments I'm definitely not proud of when I left my ex.

Thankfully, you and I both came through it all okay. xo

 
At July 27, 2011 at 8:15 PM , Blogger angela said...

It must be hard to go back to that place, and I like the symbolism of your telling the story in the third person. You've changed from the person in the story; even if it is your past, it's not your present self!

Finding your way out of an unhealthy relationship can be rough and (strangely enough) lead to unhealthy behavior until we figure it out!

 
At July 27, 2011 at 10:14 PM , Blogger I'm Jennifer. said...

Wow, what an honest, raw and moving post. I'm looking forward to reading the two related ones.
TY for swinging by my blog today!

 
At July 27, 2011 at 11:11 PM , Blogger Kim said...

This is fabulous! Thank you for sharing. I understand about working up to things and deciding what you will share. You are doing great. I feel connected.

 
At July 31, 2011 at 6:47 PM , Anonymous Craig said...

Adrienne, this is why I – a man – a guy – a dude, read and blog in this amazing Christian mommy blog community – even though I'm neither a woman or mom. It's the heart. It's the heart the words – between the words. This was just magnificent – and a little heartbreaking at the same time. I felt what you were writing about – and I am so glad that this is in your past. It formed a bit of who you are today – but it's your past – and I'm glad it's that - past. I was really touched by this - thank you. God bless you Adrienne – God bless and keep you and all of yours!

 

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