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Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Afraid

She stood there frozen. Staring down at the two pink lines in disbelief.
This thing has to be broken. The box says 3 minutes. That was 3 seconds!
*****
After taking another home pregnancy test to find 2 more lines staring back at her, she took the phone off the hook, went into her bedroom, and shut the door.

She was pregnant.

The thoughts raced through her mind so fast she couldn't keep up with them. She started running through the dates in her mind, images of the frenzied months past flashed before her eyes. In that moment she had never felt so alone.

*****
She had finally gotten away from him.

They hadn't spoken in weeks. When he came home from rehab she was different. She no longer cared where he was, what he was doing, or what their future held. She knew in her heart there was no future. She was detached.

He came home with a fresh motivation to make things right, but it was too late. Her faith in his empty promises had run out, and she had nothing left to give. She was empty, and he could tell. He started questioning her about her every move. He wanted to know every detail of her activities while he was gone, and she was in no mood to share them. She didn't even feel like she was obligated to. She spent the last two years wondering where he was, or who he was with. She owed him nothing!

It was the worst feeling of conflict she had ever had. Even though she knew she owed him nothing, part of her felt guilty. Because she knew what she wasn't telling him. She knew that her heart wasn't with him anymore, and she knew why.

*****

As she lay in bed staring at the ceiling she couldn't get the image of the pregnancy test out of her mind.

Her pager was going crazy with phone numbers followed by "911" codes. It had been three days since she took that second test. Three days since she'd talked to anyone, and three days since she had spoken to him. After spending every.single.day of the last month together she knew he must have been worried about her when she didn't return his messages. But she just couldn't yet.

She just couldn't speak to him. She just couldn't hear his voice.

She was afraid. More afraid that she had ever been. Afraid of becoming a mother. Afraid of facing what was ahead for her.

She was afraid because she had spent the last month finally being held by someone who loved her back, and most of all, she was afraid that he wouldn't be the father of the baby that was growing inside her.



This post is linked up with Shell at Things I Can't Say. Her weekly Pour Your Heart meme often gives me a chance to write the things I can't say. From time to time I write about a girl I used to know. You can read more in chronological order below.


Previous posts:
1. Exhale
2. Rehab
3. Lost

Labels:

14 Comments:

At October 26, 2011 at 9:34 AM , Blogger Krista @ Not Mommy of the Year said...

Wow. This post made me want to know more. It was beautifuly descriptive.

There are some things in my past about a girl I don't recognize anymore either. I'm stronger now, and so are you. Being able to indentify the moments that you changed, that you grew, that's amazing. Sometimes it happens and we don't even notice.

 
At October 26, 2011 at 9:53 AM , Blogger Shell said...

Oh girl, I can't imagine the stress you were feeling in that moment.

Can't wait to hear more.

 
At October 26, 2011 at 10:01 AM , Blogger Lisa said...

Wow. I am intrigued. I want to know more.

 
At October 26, 2011 at 10:17 AM , Blogger Teresa said...

This gave me the chills. So beautifully written.

 
At October 26, 2011 at 10:53 AM , Blogger becca said...

wow beautiful gave me goosbumps

 
At October 26, 2011 at 9:03 PM , Blogger Kristen said...

Ok. So - I read this, then I went back and read all the others. Even the first that was written in first person. I have a story that I haven't been able to tell... Maybe 3rd person is the way to go.

Now. Can you PLEASE tell me what happens next? As in - the VERY NEXT POST? Please?

Kristen
www.alittlesomethingforme.com

 
At October 27, 2011 at 6:06 AM , Blogger Sorta Southern Single Mom said...

Wow! Just wow. You've mentioned your past before, but wow... you've certainly persevered!

 
At October 27, 2011 at 11:56 AM , Blogger Maggie S. said...

Sounds so much like someone I knew a long long time ago. Whose baby would be twenty now.

It takes a lot of courage to stick with the fear.

 
At October 27, 2011 at 3:20 PM , Blogger Barbara said...

What a powerful post! I can't even imagine what was going through your mind.

 
At October 27, 2011 at 10:24 PM , Blogger I'm Jennifer. said...

Great post. I feel like I was just curled up with a good novel filled with romance and intrigue. Thank you for sharing this story and feel free to write another chapter for us soon!

 
At October 27, 2011 at 10:38 PM , Blogger Karen Greenberg said...

Wow, what great writing. I can only imagine the fear. I can't wait to read more!

 
At October 28, 2011 at 12:45 PM , Blogger Megan said...

This is just fabulous. I'm so sucked inside that reality I just want to keep reading.

 
At October 30, 2011 at 10:08 PM , Blogger Not a Perfect Mom said...

wow...you've got me sucked in...good job!

 
At November 3, 2011 at 3:30 PM , Blogger m&msmommy said...

You stopped by my blog last week and I finally got a chance to get caught up on this "series" of Pour Your Heart Out...WOW, that's all I can say! I went through something similar (the whole rehab part) with my husband. I commend your strength! I look forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing (and for taking the time to comment about my blessings! :))

 

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