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Wednesday, November 2, 2011


The roads were empty. She dreaded making this trip all day, but when nightfall came she felt panicked to cross this off her list. He wasn't expecting her, and she wasn't sure how her visit would be received. She didn't care. She just needed to tell him, and move forward. Whatever that looked like.

The last time they spoke he told her he never wanted to see her again. When he found out she had been with someone else he went crazy. She didn't want to tell him, but he wouldn't leave the subject alone. It was as if he knew. He said he could tell in the way that he looked at her, he could see it in her eyes. He could feel it in the room when they were all together. He knew, and she finally gave up denying it.

"How could you do this?"

"Why him?"

How could someone that had been unfaithful for two years have any right to be angry? She had no idea of knowing how many women he had been with behind her back! The actual number would make her sick! He stayed drunk, high, and disconnected from their relationship. He never gave his heart to her. He had no right to be angry! How could someone that had only ever dissapointed her make her feel so guilty?

Sure, maybe it was worse because he was a friend. She didn't plan it. It just happened. He was the best friend she had at the time. He understood everything about her. He knew how she was treated, and he was always there for her. Not expecting anything. Just there when she needed someone. He didn't question her like her girlfriends. She didn't have to pretend to be anything. She could just be herself when she was with him.

She let herself be vulnerable with him. It was safe and scary at the same time.

The attraction between them was undeniable. It was unexpected. When she was with him, she never wanted to be anywhere else. He gave her something no one else had ever given her. A piece of his heart.

Perhaps the "forbidden-ness" of it all increased the passion between them, but there was something else. Something safe. Something comforting. She had never been with anyone who cared about her. She only ever gave herself away. Piece by piece.

Being with him made her feel loved. He was her safe place to land in the toughest time of her life. The toughest until now.

As she drove down the dark road, she couldn't ignore the tug in her heart. The emptiness she felt when she imagined. Wished. Could this baby be his? The dates ran through in her mind like flashes of lightning. In her heart she believed it could be his, but in her mind she knew it wasn't. The sadness of that reality hurt. It crushed her chest to the core until she couldn't breathe.

She cried.

Hot tears streamed down her face so fast she couldn't wipe them fast enough. She felt like she was hyperventilating. She couldn't bear the thought that she would be forever connected to someone she only wanted to run from, and forever separated from the only man she wanted to be with.

She pulled up into the driveway, and tried to clean herself up. That seemed to be a lost cause lately.

She took a look in the rear view mirror, and turned the key toward her until the car stopped humming.

She sat for a moment, and told herself to just breathe.

I'm linking up every week and sharing a piece of my past through Shell's awesome meme at Things I Can't Say. Because these are the things I can't say, and it's so much cheaper than therapy!

I hope you enjoy reading about a girl I used to know. If you want to backtrack, you can read from the start below.

Previous posts in order:
1. Exhale
2. Rehab
3. Lost
4. Afraid



At November 2, 2011 at 12:27 PM , Blogger Shell said...

Oh girl- what a tough position to be in!

At November 2, 2011 at 4:50 PM , Blogger MiMi said...

Um. You should publish this. Juicy past! :)

At November 2, 2011 at 7:45 PM , Blogger Kristen said...

CRAP! I was SURE the baby wasn't going to be his. SURE of it. Dang. Can you just write me privately and catch me up? The suspense is killing me. I'm a good person... I'm just terribly impatient :)

Love the post. again. Kristen

At November 2, 2011 at 9:14 PM , Blogger Jackie said...

Just wow!
I am amazed and how to check and recheck, because I honestly believed it was fiction at first. The emotions so vivid and real.

At November 2, 2011 at 9:43 PM , Anonymous Kate F. (@katefineske) said...

Loved this! I will definitely check back for the "next edition" and plan to go straight to read the 4 I've already missed!

At November 3, 2011 at 9:36 AM , Anonymous Denise said...

What a tough situation. Will definitely catch up on the ones I missed and look forward to reading future posts.

At November 3, 2011 at 3:34 PM , Blogger m&msmommy said...

Such a tough situation. I can't even imagine the strength and courage it took to go through this, and the stress it caused. It does seem like a book, and I'm sure writing it, so far removed from the person you were, probably seems like your writing a fiction book.

At November 3, 2011 at 9:03 PM , Blogger Natalie @ MamaTrack said...

Wow. So intense. I'm completely fascinated, of course. Who wouldn't be?

And I'm sorry you went through this--it must have been so hard.

At November 4, 2011 at 12:17 AM , Blogger becca said...

wonderful writing here

At November 4, 2011 at 12:43 PM , Blogger I'm Jennifer. said...

I love reading this gripping and suspenseful series of yours. At the same time I feel sad that you went though all of this. I hope that writing about it is cathartic for you.

At November 9, 2011 at 10:48 AM , Blogger Barbara said...

Your writing is amazing! I also was sure the baby would be his.


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