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Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Always

She dropped the paper and the tears fell. With her head in her hands she just cried and shook her head. She couldn't talk. Couldn't breathe.
********

I picked up the yellow paper from the floor. Even though her reaction told me everything I didn't want to know, I had to see this paper for myself. This piece of paper we had put our lives on hold for. This piece of paper that would tell me who I was.

Alleged Father. That's me.

All I saw were a bunch of numbers. $600 for this?!

What I did see were a few words that told me what I already knew.

Excluded.

% of paternity: 0.0%

Screw this test! I took one look at her, and saw how devastated and scared she was. Then I looked over at the car seat. We hadn't even taken the baby out yet. We'd rushed in to read this freakin' thing, and he was just sitting there. Patiently wondering what we were waiting on.

He's so beautiful. Such a good baby.

I dropped the paper on the floor, and reached down to unbuckle him. I could her sobs stop in the background and she began to breathe. I picked him up and went over to her.

I didn't know what to say. I've never been good with words. But, I kissed her on the forehead and smiled at her. I lifted her chin with my finger and kissed her again. She reached out and grabbed his little hands and we just sat there for a minute in silence. She reached for the baby and pulled him to her lap, as if she was releasing me.

I just sat there. Unable to speak. Unable to say what I felt.

Fuck! Why did I suck so bad at this. I hated to see her hurting. I wanted to fix it, but I just didn't know how.

I knew what I wanted. I just didn't how to tell her.
********

Time passed. She didn't know how long, but it felt like forever. It was as if she was frozen. numb. She didn't know what to do next. She didn't know what to say. What to think. Her mind was spinning. She couldn't believe she had put so much faith in a stupid piece of paper. The past year flooded through her mind like a freight train. She was tired. Everything had been so hard. so confusing. So complicated. Yet, this paper was cut and dry. Simple. Now what?

He wasn't the father.

As she began to feel her hear beat faster, she put her head down to try to compose herself. Get it together. Then she felt his touch. His touch could warm her from the inside out. It made her scared to look at him. She had never been more afraid. Afraid of the future. Afraid of what he would say. Afraid she would loose him.

He lifted her chin and kissed her. He forced her to look at him in the eyes. He took one look at her and then reached over for the baby.

He grabbed her son's hand, and said, "I don't care what this piece of paper says! This is my son. Nothing is ever going to change that. I will be here. Always."
********


You can read this series in order below.
#1 Exhale
#2 Rehab
#3 Lost
#4 Afraid
#5 Breathe
#6 Alone
#7 Held
#8 Sealed

9 Comments:

At March 28, 2012 at 10:14 AM , Blogger Lisa said...

Top Notch Guy. TOP NOTCH.

 
At March 28, 2012 at 10:14 AM , Blogger Lisa said...

Top Notch Guy. TOP NOTCH.

 
At March 28, 2012 at 11:55 AM , Blogger Shell said...

So beautiful. Such a happy ending(well, beginning) for you. xo

 
At March 28, 2012 at 1:26 PM , Blogger Missy | Literal Mom said...

Wow. Totally powerful stuff. Really well written, Adrienne.

 
At March 28, 2012 at 2:37 PM , Blogger jen@ living a full life said...

Oh my Adrienne that was amazing, tons of emotion, beautifully written.

 
At March 29, 2012 at 2:51 AM , Blogger Recovering Supermom said...

Wow! I'm so intrigued! I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the series. Very well written and heartfelt.

 
At March 29, 2012 at 9:00 PM , Blogger MiMi said...

I love this man. :)

 
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